Written
by Abdulnasir Imam, with contributions from Hajara Isa, Tosun Otituju, Muniat
Attunise and a list of commentators, I wish not to mention, because I need to
shine!
The
ideas was to come up with 52 things Nigerians were good at for our 52nd
independence anniversary, we got stuck at 31 because we hadn’t received this month’s
budget and our editor Goodluck
Jonathan (real name, no gimmick) wants to introduce next month’s own. Anyway
enjoy our small progress:
1.MEDIOCRE
ENTERTAINMENT
There’s
no doubt the Nigerian entertainment industry has grown, but every worthy and
critical success, there are a dozen more flash in the pans. Look no further
than the music industry, for every D’banj, there are a hundred who copy and
fail, at the very least have a hit that lasts three months and we never hear
from them again. For every successful movie, there are 10 copycats to follow
with the same storyline and probably the same actors typecast in the same role.
2.
SPIRITUALITY
Nigerians
are a very religious people, whether honestly or hypocritically. We take to
calling God as serious business and sometimes we make it actual business.
Sometimes we take God as one of the voters, so when there’s dispute over an
election, we say, “That’s how God wanted it” and everybody shuts up.
3.
SATIRE
Despite
the fact that a majority of Nigerians don’t appreciate or at times understand
satire, Nigeria has produced quite a number of satirist, especially in the
literati. A fine example would be the Daily Times’ “How To” column by Elnathan
John. From varying subjects as how to worship the Nigerian God to how to be a mechanic,
John fills us with the reality of Nigeria through his cheeky humour.
4.
SPORTS… NOT ALWAYS AND NOT LATELY
Gone
are the glory days of U.S.A 94 and Atlanta 96 when we won the Olympic gold for
football (we won our first two gold medals there, so much for 2012). Our most
recent noteworthy achievement was getting D’Tigers (our basketball team) into
their first Olympic ever and even though we crashed and burned, we still hail
our players nonetheless.
5.
NOLLYWOOD
Nobody
makes a blockbuster quite like the Americans. Nobody makes a Bollywood movie
quite like the Indians and in that same vein nobody makes a Nollywood movie
quite like Nigerians (“The craziest magic in movies.” says Tosun Otituju). The sad
part is the name Nollywood did not originate from Nigeria, as legend has it; it
came from a Washington Post writer
who coined the name after writing an article on the spread of African movies,
specifically Nigerian movies in the United States among the Black community. I
for one prefer to name it the Nigerian Movie Industry. Whatever the case,
Nollywood has come to stay.
6.
AFRO-BEAT
So
Fela is no longer with us, but which nation do you know worships afro-beat
music like us? Some of you may say that afro-beat died with Fela and that there
are few afro-beat artists like Seun and Femi Kuti (heirs of the Fela kingdom),
but I’d like to believe afro-beat has morphed into what we hear in the radio
these days. Be it afro-pop or afro-hip-hop, the influence of afro-beat is never
far away from our music… even the mediocre ones.
7.
RHYTHM
Galala,
saw, makossa, yahozee, ethegi, azonto. Nigerians know how to do all types of
steps and if we’re not borrowing we’re inventing one every season. Oya dance
for me baby, oh yeah!
8.
ARTISTIC
Sure,
we can be mediocre at times, but there’s no denying the amount of talent
Nigeria has.
9.
LITERATURE
Speaking
of being artistic, there’s no doubt Nigeria has produced a great number of
literature giants on the world with more being born everyday. Here’s a short,
but portent list:
·
Chinua
Achebe
·
Wole
Soyinka
·
Cyprian
Ekwensi
·
Chimamanda
Adichie
·
Helon
Habila
“The
Nigerian people have taken to Literature, quite well. We are at period of
literal renaissance and a new crop of young literal enthusiast is
distinguishing themselves nationally and internationally.”-
Hajara Isa
10.
NON-NIGERIA AFRICA BASHING
We
are very good at bashing any African country that is not Nigeria; just ask one
of our particular West African neighbours. We love our neighbours generally and
despite our house not being in order, the Nigerian is always superior. We are
still in denial that another neighbour of ours will soon be supplying us what
electricity. What are you saying? We are Nigerians, we’re better!
11.WE
ARE LOUD
NIGERIANS
ARE LOUD! IF YOU EVER SEE A GROUP OF BLACK PEOPLE AT THE AIRPORT SPEAKING ABOVE
THE NORMAL DECIBEL, NA OUR PEOPLE! NA US THEY SEND BACK FROM SAUDI ARABIA*.
*That’s
not why they really sent us back.
12.
POLITICAL ACTIVISM
Nigerians
are political animals by nature, whether fighting for a righteous cause or a
sectional one. Nigerians get active with politics, which leads us to next
contrary item on the list:
13.
OFTEN TALK ABOUT PROTESTING, BUT NEVER PROTEST
Yes,
Nigerians protest. As a matter of fact the last great almost-revolt was the #OccupyNigeria movement, which took
place in January of this year and saw practically all walks of life flood the
streets, except for those who could afford fuel. But generally Nigerians only
talk more about protesting than actually doing it and when it’s done, it’s
almost silly and uncovered by the media or portrayed as insignificant, except when
we almost grounded the country to a halt. #Occupy
14.
LIVE IN A FEDERAL COUNTRY, BUT AREN’T FEDERAL
Nigerians
like to shout, “One Nigeria” whenever there is a rally, but the man from Kaduna
who grew up in Cross Rivers can never run for governor without some harsh
opposition about where he’s from. Ask the “settlers” in Jos, they’ll help
sympathize with this dilemma.
15.
TRIBAL WAR
There’s
a great song by Nas and Damian Marley featuring K’Naan called, ‘Deadly Equation (Tribal War)’. K’Nann’s
verse explains how tribal wars actually work. Basically at the end everybody
gets wiped out until brothers are left and they kill each other. Fortunately
for us, our population never goes down so we haven’t reached that stage.
16.
“RELIGIOUS” WARRING
By
now I think we’ve all realized that most crusades ignited by religion in
Nigeria ultimately have very little to do with the religions involved and more
to do with something else… idle hands.
17.
POLITICAL AMNESIA
There’s
an Islamic saying, “People get the leaders they deserve.” In our case, it may
be because we suffer from political amnesia, we so easily forget the political
mishaps of the past and vote the same people in or rather allow them to be
counted on the ballot, thus political amnesia.
18.
BRAIN DRAIN
Nigeria
has without a doubt given away some of its best brains to foreign countries and
as much as we hail them and claim them ours, we know the reality is they are no
longer part of the Nigerian dream as we would like to think they are. Not many
people come home after building a successful life abroad, unless they have to,
in which case we claim they were not successful in the first place.
19.
SELF DENIAL
Most
recently, American hip-hop sensation Rick Ross shot a video for his Hold Me Back single in Nigeria. It was
an alternative version to the one already being shown on various music
stations. Like the one shot in his native U.S.A, the new video pretty much
showed the gritty and grime life of the down-trodden and mostly poor. Trust our
government to ban the video, it’s not like Rick Ross hired actors to portray
poor Nigerians. Those WERE poor Nigerians that were already there. I guess the
powers that be prefer champagne popping videos shot in South Africa because
that really does portray the real Nigeria. Well let this be known that this
list IS a real portrayal of Nigeria and these haters can’t hold me back, these
haters can’t hold me back!
20.
POPULATION
Technically,
this isn’t something you can be said to be good at, but sometimes we have
nothing to brag about so we mention that there are 160 MILLION of us. We’re the
7th largest population in the world. Behind China, India, America,
Indonesia, Brazil and Pakistan can talk to us, everybody in Africa keep quiet.
If you have a problem with that, I have 159.999999999 million brothers and
sisters to back me up! WHAT?! Say something! I dare you!
21.
GOVERMENTAL SABOTAGE
We
are not talking about coup-d’états here, we are talking about government deals
especially with foreign companies. We’ve all heard the stories (Richard Branson
had one lately), a company comes to Nigeria to invest and naturally they meet
the government or rather someone who works for the government and are told they
have to spare some cash first before business can be done! Before you know it
business is either done after a lot of cash has been spared (and not the one
for the business) or the company leaves and settles in Ghana.
22.
DELEGATING
Nigerians
are very good at delegating what they should be doing themselves. As Muniat
Attunise puts it, “Nigerians are great at delegating the hard work for God while
wanting to reap the rewards.”
23. SETTING UP COMMITTEES
This is self explanatory, Nigerians set
up committees to review committees that were set up to review a committee that
couldn’t handle an issue. I’m sure they’ll set up a committee to review who
wrote this and another to decide what to do with it.
24.
MURDERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Abi
you no know? You would think that a nation colonized by the British would at
least have a better grasp of the English language than most, but not
necessarily. When the Colonials came, our chiefs were willing to sell their
brethrens for mirrors, alcohol and gunpowder (that did not come with the gun),
but there was no way in hell we were going to speak English just like that. We
invented the remix, way before Puff Daddy or P. Diddy or whatever he’s remixed
his name to now. It started with us turning the English language into Pidgin
English to the point that when we do speak the Queen’s English, we still murder
it. Are you hearing me, because I am hearing you?!
25.
WE ARE WARM PEOPLE
Despite
sometimes being a proud and at times arrogant people, Nigerians are generally
warm people. We are perhaps more welcoming to visitors than we are to each
other.
26.
WE ARE TRENDY
“Nigerians
are top buyers, we patronize the best of technology; phones, cars, the latest
gadget or fad.”- Hajara Isa
27. NIGERIANS ARE WELL TRAVELLED
For those who can afford and even those
who just make it to Cotonou and back, Nigerians do travel a lot.
28. NIGERIANS ARE ENTREPRENURIAL
&RESOURCEFUL
Look around, everybody get e handwork o!
Nigerians are quite resourceful with their time, even certain illegalities have
been made into business ventures, you
know now. Before I let you go, let me inform you that you can reach me at Chinedu
& Sons, Wuse Market Shop 999 or you can contact us at 080555555555.
29. NIGERIANS ARE A HAPPY PEOPLE
As Fela said, “Suffering and smiling!”
30. NIGERIANS ARE MALLEABLE
I admit I had to check the dictionary
for the meaning of this word. In essence Nigerians are adoptable people, which
is true. Everywhere you go there’s a Nigerian… unless perhaps money can not be
made there.
31.
ENDURING SPIRIT
We
saved the best for last. Perhaps the greatest Nigerian characteristic is our
undying spirit. Nigerians have been through a lot; military regimes, planes falling
on our houses, you name it we’ve seen it. The only exception is God has spared
us from natural disasters, you see the man-made ones are enough for us. Through
it all Nigerians have decided to keep hope. Here’s to hope we see another independence
day. God bless you and God bless Nigeria!
